


Freudian Mother-F***ers!

by goodlivin2u



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anti-Donald Trump, Canon Compliant, Crack, Dean's Tired of Sam's Bullshit, Freudian Elements, Idjits, M/M, Monster of the Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-06 23:07:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16842289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodlivin2u/pseuds/goodlivin2u
Summary: Dean and Cas hunt by themselves these days. They're working a case in the Amazon River when they forget Cas doesn't have his forged citizenship documents to cross the border back into the U.S. This starts a long rant from Dean about how this was all Sam's fault.





	Freudian Mother-F***ers!

**Author's Note:**

> This was born from the prompt "Mystery Monster" in the Destiel Port facebook group's Bingo challenge. Admittedly, the monster aspect of this fic is relatively small. I never knew how mad I was at Sam for his British Men of Letter's betrayal a couple season's ago until I wrote this. I love the guy, but he can be so stupid sometimes!

In the past few years, Team Free Will had systematically wiped out most of the monsters in North America. While Sam and mother Mary frequently used the British Men of Letters’ resources for advice, Dean still didn’t trust them. He and Cas did hunting the way it was meant to be – the good old-fashioned trial and error, “hope for the best, plan for the worst, pray you don’t die” method. It didn’t always work out in their favor, but Dean wasn’t complaining…. especially when Cas healed him every night with a grace-induced orgasm.

“Are you sure we can’t drive?” Dean whined one day as they were packing for their next hunt.

“I don’t have my citizenship papers, Dean. In security databases, Castiel Winchester doesn’t exist. I can’t just pretend I’m Jimmy Novak again. He died, remember?”

“I remember, idjit. I was there!”

Dean emerged from their closet, tossing Cas a shirt.

“I’m gonna kill Sam when he gets back. And then I’m gonna have you bring him back to life so I can kill him again.”

“I hardly think that’s necessary. It’s a simple mistake.”

“Simple mistake?!” he roared. “Who forgets to forge documents for their angel brother-in-law? It’s common logic. I mean, President Trump could blast in here at any moment and send you back to “wherever it is you came from.””

“First of all, _dear_ –“ Cas could feel waves of anxiety, not anger, coming off of his husband. It touched him that Dean cared so much about losing Cas. Surely they had come closer to being ripped apart in the past, right?

“Once we leave the bunker, we’ll be in the Amazon River area immediately and virtually untraceable thanks to Rowena’s spell. You told me yourself that they couldn’t catch us if they tried. Second, the Bunker has a cloaking spell in case anyone happens to come looking for it. Third, you need a special key to unlock these doors. Finally, even if Trump was smart enough to bypass all of that security (which is highly unlikely), he can’t send me back to “where I came from” because he doesn’t have authoritative power in Heaven – his power only extends to the limits of the United States.”

“Yeah, but I’m still mad at Sam.” Dean grumbles, as if that was the _real_ problem here. “We wouldn’t have to be worrying about anything if he simply did his job, that paper-pusher! You’d think that since he doesn’t actually do any hunting these days, he would be pursuing important matters like this! But noooo, he’s getting cozy with those traitors who don’t even live here! How can you hunt or even research about a place you’ve never been to? That’s stupid!”

“Mhm. Did you tell Sam this?” Cas asked as he finished packing their bags, ready to go.

“Yes! And you know what happened?”

“I think I could guess, but please tell me how he reacted.” Cas knew it was best to let Dean rant until he ran out of arguments. It typically didn’t take too long, and Cas would only need to add in a word here or there – Dean’s rants were mostly one-sided and he rarely acknowledged whoever was listening to him.

“Sammy got angry at me and ran off like he used to when he was a teenager! Well, you know… if he wants to live over there,” he said, glaring towards the Northeast wall of the bedroom as if that’s where Britain was located, “maybe I should just give Claire his old room here. She acts more responsibly than he does, and you’ve been wanting to spend time with her lately.”

Dean seemed to calm down when he mentioned Claire, remembering how much he loved her sass compared to his He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named brother (not Adam, though Dean would take him over Sam right now, too).

“Are you done? All this yelling really isn’t good for your blood pressure. You heard what the doctor said last week, Dean. You need a calm environment. That’s why we were going to the Amazon River specifically. A case and a vacation? It’s your perfect dream.”

“Fine,” Dean pouted. “Tell me about the damn case. It better be good.”

“Oh, it is! We’re hunting a shapeshifter dolphin who seduces men that cheat on their wives. These men don’t just cheat, though. They impregnate the girls they sleep with, and then abandon the girls and move on. The dolphin, though… she transforms into a woman at night and lures the men into her hut on the river. After having sex with them, she turns them into babies. The dolphin lady then transfers the man-babies into their original wives’ wombs. They’re stuck inside their wives’ uteruses for 9 months isolated, and then the men have to start their lives over from the beginning, with their wives as their mothers. It’s quite clever, if I do say so myself.”

“I admit that I have a lot of kinks, but pretending your wife is your mother is too much for me.”

“What about calling out your father-in-law’s name while having sex with your husband?” Cas looked pointedly at Dean. “You do say ‘Oh God’ quite a few times during intercourse with me, and it seems to deepen your arousal.”

“I am _so_ not having this conversation with you right now! Can’t you please zap us to the Amazon, Cas?”

“A minute ago, you didn’t want to go. Now you do? I bet you just want to meet this shapeshifter and see if she’s a convincing human.”

“And by ‘convincing,’ you mean ‘hot,’ right? I’m bisexual but that doesn’t mean I’m unfaithful, Cas! Gosh, everyone believes these stupid myths about bi people….”

“Do you actually want to spend the day arguing? Because I can go by myself and leave you here.”

“The hell you are!”

\- - -

As they trudged through the Amazon, Dean asked: “So how do we kill this thing?”

“Well… I don’t know. That would be a question for Sam. Didn’t he give you some notes about the Encantado monster?”

Dean attempted to call his brother on his cell-phone, but found that there was no cell-phone service.

“Son of a bitch!” he yelled. “If I ever get out of here alive, Sammy’s a dead man. If I find this dolphin, I’m gonna make her turn him into a baby and put him in somebody’s womb because he’s definitely been cheating on us with those smarmy Brits.”

“In that scenario, wouldn’t that make you the wife? Which would mean he would be inside you? I thought you weren’t into that Wincestiel A/B/O stuff? You said – and I quote – ‘What happens in fanfiction should _stay_ in fanfiction.’”

“Don’t be a smartass, Cas. Come on, we’ve got work to do.”


End file.
